elumn8

http://davidniblack.com/

“An attachment isn’t a fact. It is a belief…” ~ Anthony De Mello

Over the years I have learned a simple and powerful secret to happiness in life and leadership.

Let go.

This line of thinking is contrary the management theory we ingested early in our careers. It’s also counter intuitive. Our nature is to want to hold on, to protect, to become attached, to expect. The more we attach ourselves to expectations, people or things the more anxiety we create and the less effective we become.

So why do we “hold on” in unhealthy ways? As leaders, we believe we are responsible for what happens in the organization. And because we hold this belief we are afraid. If the outcome is not what we desire, or think others expect, we will have failed. We will not have lived up to the mantle of leadership. To protect ourselves we micro-manage, latch on the latest fad and take every negative event or unflattering comment as a risk to our identity. Whoa did I just say that? Yes, we even become attached to the label of “the leader” and so we strive to make sure that others perceive us as such. Rather than express leadership skills and attributes as a reflection of our true selves and our desire to serve, they become a scorecard of behaviors and outcomes to which we must “measure up”.

This mindset ultimately leads to frustration and conflict. We see people and situations as barriers to fulfilling our goals or as irritations that interrupt our important tasks. Our vision becomes clouded and rather than seeing things in their true context and taking action without judgment, we are thrown off course with the motive of protecting our interests or our reputation.

When we let go we are free to enjoy the experience of leadership and to bring our best to every situation without the burden of attachments and expectations. We can practice leadership and continue to learn with the freedom of knowing that none of this was ever really ours to possess. Everything has a beginning and ending. Embrace the situation in front of you for what it is and nothing else. In this way you open to learning and to giving others the space they need to grow. This is by no means Laissez-faire leadership. Accountability, vision, values, influence, etc., all still apply. Only now they can be expressed free of a personal agenda grounded in fear and scarcity. Looking back on my experience the following ideas come to mind as opportunities for leaders to let go.

Let go…

Of control – You don’t really have it anyway. Work with others to create a plan and let it evolve naturally. Think you are in control and be guaranteed that circumstances will conspire to teach you otherwise.

Of attachment – Bonuses, titles, recognition, bigger roles…enjoy them in the moment then let them go, otherwise your thinking becomes distorted. These ends will begin to justify the means.

Of outcomes – Unrealistic or narrow expectations are at the root of much your disappointment and frustration. The way you see the outcome determines what it will mean to you, not the outcome itself.

Of winning – If winning is the only option…you have very few options. This will lead to losing a lot more often. Nature is not a win-lose system.

Of projecting – When you are afraid, you project thoughts, attitudes and beliefs onto people and situations creating serious leadership blind spots.

Of knowing – Pretending to have all the answers usually results in you parading down the street with no clothes on. When you let go of knowing you create room for learning. Otherwise you are stuck.

Of proving – Trying to prove to someone else that you are “worthy” or that you deserve “respect” is an enormous waste of energy. Energy that could be channeled towards progress and service.

Of achieving – Who you are becoming is more important than what you are achieving. Be then do.

Of importance – Needing people to need you is not healthy. It leads to creating problems that only you can solve. Less you more them.

Of comparison -Be the leader YOU were meant to be. Comparing opens you up to jealousy, envy and anger. When you learn to trust your heart and lead from your best self you will find that people follow you for who you are not what you can do for them.

And hold on to love. Love doesn’t fear. Love doesn’t control. Love is not proud. Love does what it does without holding on. Leadership grounded in love produces an enduring legacy that lives in your heart and not on your resume.

Last October I struggled through a difficult transition that helped me to grow in my understanding of this topic. I spent five years working with an amazing team of people. We developed a very close community and, over time, built a wonderful work environment and culture. Everything seemed to be coming together and then, without warning, it all came to an end. It was very hard to walk away. I was angry and very bitter. This was “my” story and “my” dream…how could this happen to “me”. “How could they not see what a good thing they had?” You see the connection here I’m sure. I realized I was holding on. I was making it about me. I was deeply attached to the way things “should” have turned out. Later I realized that while things came to an end much sooner than I had hoped, the journey we had taken together, the experiences we shared, the love we had for each other and for the people we served were enough. These things could not be taken away because they didn’t belong to any of us. So I let go. Now I am only filled with gratitude for all I experienced and learned.

When you let go you are free. Free to see and to act without filters. Difficulties will arise, celebrations will erupt, titles and people will come and go…and you will have gleaned the most you could from every moment and created experiences that will change you and the people you serve. Pay attention to the things you hold onto in your leadership. The things that bind you. Look at them unflinchingly and see them for what they are. Then let them go. You will become free to lead from your soul.